First Time Parent | avoid new parent mistakes

Expecting Mums

Avoid the 5 biggest NEW PARENT mistakes

Mistake No 1 Having unrealistic expectations.

Some people think having a baby won't change their life or is the answer to all their problems – a baby who will love and adore them!! While having a baby come into your life is one of life’s most precious experiences, it also brings some of the greatest challenges you will ever face.

Do you know – your baby isn’t born knowing how to love you – this is something you and your partner will teach your baby … and the early months and years are the most crucial time for learning this.. so....... get real ………

About yourself – you can’t be an expert immediately – and you’ll get better at understanding your baby each day
About your baby – your baby is going to cry, sleep and have wet/dirty diapers/nappies and feed – 24 hours a day – that is what babies do – your baby will be no different– and your baby’s crying is an essential part of that – that is your baby’s way of talking to you, of letting you know that something needs attention. The more you handle your baby – the sooner you will work out what your baby is trying to say. Your baby’s crying does not mean you are a failure.
About your partner – having another person (a totally helpless baby) moving in with you permanently – means that you are going to have to take their needs into account as well – your relationship can’t just be the same as before…besides, even if you don’t want to hear it – your relationship is going to be challenged – so face the challenges – cause deep down inside – you do want to give your baby the best chance in life.
About your home situation – Your baby will need a huge amount of your time – that means less time to spend on other things like house chores etc – share these chores with your partner and accept offers of help. Don’t make having the cleanest/tidiest house on the block – your priority – having your baby grow into a person who knows they are loved and valued will leave a long lasting impression in the world
About sex – when a Mom is waking round the clock – caring for your baby, sex drops way down the “must make time for” list. Conversely, the Dad’s sexual urges don’t just go out the window cause there’s a baby around. Open discussion about these feelings will help you come up with a workable solution … a Mom needs to feel supported with lots of cuddles and closeness, and there are alternate ways to relieve sexual pressure – without having to go out and find another sexual partner – remember – this is just a temporary phase in your life (though it may feel like a lifetime at the time!!)

Mistake No 2 Underestimating the effect of hormone changes

It takes approximately 6 weeks for the Mum’s body to return to her pre-pregnant hormone state – that is a massive change over a very short period of time. If I had not experienced it myself ( and watched other Mums too) – I would not have believed how much it feels like being on a Roller-Coaster!!!! One minute – life is incredibly wonderful, and the next – a single look or word – and you’re sobbing.

I hate to say it, but some Mums can even be quite “feral” and extremely snappy and irrational – which can frighten a New Dad who is a novice at baby care – don’t take this personally – it is the hormones speaking!! The fact is – the New Mom needs all the support she can get during those first 6 weeks – an hour later she most probably will be feeling quite differently about the situation – so hang in there – it is essential that the Dad starts building his relationship with his baby – the early days are crucial for this.

Mistake No 3 Thinking a baby is unaware of what is going on around them

Don’t think that because your baby is just lying there sleeping – they aren’t taking anything in – Do you know that the earlier the experience – the greater the effect on our subconscious mind– even if we don’t remember these things when we grow up – the memories of these early experiences influence our whole life.

This is when we are developing our beliefs about our world. If our Dad and Mom are cuddling us, soothing and praising us, and telling us how wonderful we are – we grow to believe that is true, and we believe the world is a safe secure world. If the baby is surrounded by arguments and harsh words, and the person picking the baby up is all stressed out – the baby picks up on that tension, feels insecure and is likely to cry, and starts to believe that the world is full of tension and threats.

If you and your partner are treating each other with respect, listening to each others point of view, and working together to find the best solution – your baby learns that this is how people treat each other, and that people work together to find solutions that suit everyone – your baby picks up on the atmosphere and feels secure. These beliefs we develop stay with us always and affect the way we respond to situations throughout our lives. It is now that we develop positive or negative beliefs about relationships and people. Our subconscious beliefs are incredibly powerful – we will attract and interpret experiences based on these beliefs. How we treat our babies – affects the type of person they become – so……take the greatest care around your baby.

Mistake No 4 – Believing that babies are “secret women’s business”

This one works two ways:

Mom takes on a “gate-keeper” attitude – and a belief that everything is up to her. By doing this, she shuts her partner out, and will only allow him to participate in parenting, if she approves. Everyone suffers this way – initially Mum can cope, but as time goes by, she gets worn down, and isn’t able to give the baby that superb care she wants to give – she just gets too tired – at the very least – she pays a high personal price. The baby misses out because he/she can only have as much love and attention as Mom can give, and the baby is also missing out on the Dad – which research has shown for some time now – is absolutely crucial for the best long-term outcome for the baby. This way the Dad also feels left out and can become resentful of the baby. Most of us are able to put on a load of washing, prepare a meal, vacuum the house - by letting us help with these little jobs, you are able to rest so that you can give your baby the best care ever. By having the courage to accept offers of help, you lighten the load for future mums-to-be, and everyone benefits in the long run.

Dads don’t get involved from the start

Remembering that the earlier the experience, the greater the effect – it is crucial that Dads get involved in a positive way with their baby – right from birth.

A new born baby cries, whether an experienced Midwife changes the diaper/nappy, or whether an inexperienced Dad fumbles with the nappy, but in the long run, it means more to the baby – that the Dad was in there – interested enough and wanting to learn. Your baby/child’s self-esteem is closely linked to their Dad’s interest in them – if Dad takes the time to learn how to care for them – the messages that the baby receives, is that they are important and have value. Kids who have healthy self-esteem are more likely to do well at school, and will grow into happy adolescents who become involved with activities that are good for society.
So…………. The answer is ……

Work together as a team

Mistake No 5 Turning down offers of help, and not using resources that are available

Caring for a baby is a two person job – Everyone who has ever had a baby knows this – and there are billions of us out there who have had babies – and when we offer to help – it is because we know what it is like. The only one who doesn’t know this yet – is you.

Governments know this – that is why they set up so many resources in the community to support parents – particularly first time parents – and yet many first time parents think that those services are not for them – they are for other people.

Asking for help is not a sign of failure – it shows that you are taking your responsibilities seriously, and that you are wanting to be the best Mom or Dad possible.

No-one expects a first time Mom or Dad to be an expert – so why expect that of yourself???

All first time parents are facing exactly the same challenges as you are – yes this is a most wonderful time of your lives – and it is also the most challenging.

Join new parenting groups and mix with other Dads and Moms – they know what you’re talking about, and how you’re feeling.

Check with your Community Nurse/ Infant Nurse as to what resources are available in your area

Check out your local library – there are so many resources there - DVD’s, books, the internet, classes – your baby will be changing as they go from stage to stage – this will be a constant learning for you – and you know – the more you put into the experience – the more you are going to get out of it – and before you know it – your baby will melt your heart with a smile ……and you’ll know that you and your baby are developing a relationship that you will both treasure for a lifetime!

Enjoy! And don’t forget… “Smile at your baby today”!